10 Signs your first to die in a horror movie

Congratulations! You’re a character in a horror movie. The bad news? You might not make it past the opening credits. Every good slasher, supernatural haunt, or creature feature has a first victim — the poor idiot who stumbles into danger before the audience even learns anyone’s name.

It sucks to die in a horror movie. It sucks even more if you’re the first. You not only get branded as the biggest loser in the film, you generally have the smallest role. If you follow this survival checklist, you might last a little bit longer. Heck, you might not even die at all.

1. Don’t Be So Cheerful.

If you’re cracking jokes, humming pop songs, or making plans for the future, the universe is already sharpening its machete. In horror movies, optimism is basically a death sentence.

2. You Split from the Group.

You know the drill: someone hears a noise in the woods, insists “I’ll check it out,” and never comes back. If that person is you, congratulations — you’re not just the first to die, you’re also the reason everyone else will.

3. You Mock the Supernatural.

Nothing triggers ancient curses or creatures faster than saying, “I don’t believe in any of that crap.” The supernatural takes things personally; the second you utter those words, it’s time to start picking out tombstones.

4. You’re Having Too Much Fun.

In the horror universe, any type of joy must be punished. If you’re laughing, flirting, or sneaking off for a romantic moment, you’ve basically put a large neon sign on your back that says, “Please eviscerate me.”

5. You Wander Somewhere You Shouldn’t.

Old cellar? Check. Abandoned hospital? Double check. Strange whispering coming from the fog? Triple check. In real life, most people try to avoid scary locations; in horror movies, characters are drawn to them like a dog to a ribeye steak.

6. Your Cell Phone Dies.

If your cell phone dies, it’s likely you’re going to be right behind it. The premise is that if you encounter any monsters, mutants, or other mayhem, you will have no way to contact anyone. Making you the perfect candidate to become the first corpse.

7. You Don’t Believe in Turning Around.

When creepy music starts playing, normal people look around to see if anything is amiss. You, however, keep walking forward, looking straight ahead, unaware of the hideous mutant six inches to your left. You think, “It’s probably nothing.” Spoiler: it’s something.

8. You’re the Party Host.

If the horror movie begins at your house, you’re toast. The walls are practically whispering your name. No one survives a gathering that starts with “What’s the worst that could happen?”

9. You Say, “I’ll Be Right Back.”

Actually, you won’t. When you utter those fateful four words, you’re essentially writing the first line in your obituary. It’s fine to say it in real life when you’re going to the store for a pint of Ben and Jerry’s. In a horror movie, it’s best to keep your yapper shut.

10. You Don’t Listen to the Weirdo Who Knows Everything.

There’s always one character — the old man, the conspiracy nut, the kid with a thousand-yard stare — who just knows. If you roll your eyes at their warning or make fun of them, you might as well lie down and wait for the end credits.

So, are you doomed? Maybe. But if you manage to stay self-aware, stick with the group, and resist saying, “it’s just the wind,” you might just make it past the first act. In horror, survival isn’t about bravery. It’s about knowing when to hide, when to run, and when to not open that damn door.